About death.

Lately there’s so much devastated news I don’t even know where to begin. The worst was today, when the new of the big C diagnosed to one of my loved one’s family. It just hit way too close to home. And it got me thinking about death itself.

I’ve read ‘when breath becomes air’, ‘being mortal’ and lately ‘the bright hour’. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain why I’m drawn to reading morbid books about life & death. They weren’t easy read for sure, but I find the rawness, real, thought-provoking, inspiration and strength are a comfort to my inner self to grapple with my own mortality.

Maybe I just needed to know there’s more to life than sweating over spilled milk (from my kids)?
Maybe I just needed it to remind myself how lucky I am to be experiencing all the little mundane things that we take for granted?
Or Maybe, just maybe I would like to prepare for it if it ever… ?(I was too young to understand when death took my dad away when I was 4)

What I’ve realized is, as life experience & relationship builds up, the reality of our own (& our loved one) vulnerability & fragility as human beings can set it, and it’s pretty scary, as death (and road to death) is unknown.

Today when I got home, I gave my kids the tightest hugs. Afraid to let go… because this moment, this very moment is so precious that it breaks my heart. Here I am sitting down, writing this, hugging and sniffing my daughter’s mini bolster that she’d left out on the sofa. I vowed to myself, from this moment, I will soak up this life of mine, the good moment and the bad moment, because life is just too fragile to be wasted.

 

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Kids update 2019.

Happy new year!
We had been busy catching up with friends and spending time with the family. My kids are now aged 6.5 & 2.5 year now I feel these are the best years yet! Though they bicker/fight/argue a lot (like every 5 mins), I told myself to cherish these moments before it slipped by.

JH just enter Primary 1 and all are new and charming to him. He’s been conversing a lot of interesting topic and thoughts, though we’re still figuring out ways to manage his sensitivity. But all in all, he’s a bright & lovely kid.

Surprisingly, he did pretty okay with his first week at school. No tears, no tantrums and rejection. In fact, I had taken a day off on the first day of school, he’s assured me that he doesn’t need me to be there. When I keep asking him if he knows which gate to go to after school to wait for his transported, his response was: “I know mommy, you’ve said that many times already!”.

D1 – he forgot to bring out his snacks that we prepare for him during break time.
D2 – he forgot to pass the immunization form to his class teacher.
D3 – he forgot to bring his shoes down, as he was pressing the lift button for me. Also this day, we wrote a ‘to do list’ & stick it in his pencil box., so that he’ll remember to: 1. pass the immunization form to his class teacher; 2. show the receipt of the books that I have already purchased to teacher; 3. bring out his food during snack time.

Junna started potty training on 24/11/2018. She started slow, as we weren’t home much. So after a few weeks of hit & miss, on 15/12/2018m she successfully peed 7 times in the potty all by herself! I was really taken by surprise. Started diaper-less at school on 2/9/2018. Gah…. they really are growing up fast!

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Little things that I want to ingrain in my memory:

  1. Eating fruits together on our wooden floor. I will feed them alternatively while they play/chat/read.
  2. Lullaby songs (sound track include:
  3. Bed time stories.
  4. Family hugs.
  5. When both of them kiss me good night on the cheeks together.
  6. Putting hair gel/powder on like it’s a big thing.

This year, I want to do more of the above and add on the list. I also want to spend more one on one time with each of them so they’re able to get our undivided attention. I try to see pass the everyday bickering/whinging/fighting/shouting and soak in all the other sweet moments instead. I particularly remember one Saturday rainy evening and the kids went cycling/scooting at the covered courtyard at our condo. Moments like this is so rare and magical and my heart grew SO big watching them playing together.